WASHINGTON, December 9, 2009 – Acknowledging that the Obama administration will likely not make its January deadline to close the terrorist detention facility at Guantanamo Bay, Defense Secretary Robert Gates presented a revamped U.S. policy designed to intensify pressure on Al Queda prisoners and ease political pressure on the White House.
At a Pentagon briefing Gates announced deployment of a new weapon in the war on terror: The American Family. Gates said, “While unconventional, the plan we’re proposing has the potential to be especially effective in acquiring key intelligence, while saving America’s taxpayers millions of dollars. Our military is using [interrogation] techniques that are sooo 50 years ago. It’s time to bring our armed forces into the twenty-first century.”
Gates has authorized a special task force comprised of American mothers representing 14 states and the District of Columbia. Their purpose is to develop final recommendations on new interrogation techniques to be included in Army FM 34-52, the Army’s standard for interrogation of captured enemy personnel. The plan involves embedding prisoners in the homes of the homes of select American families.
“Intelligence has identified time-tested quasi-torture approaches that have been in use for decades in households across the US,” explained Gates. “It’s imperative that we employ them to achieve important national security objective." Gates added, “We will house [the detainees] inexpensively while integrating an aggressive approach intended to urge them towards full cooperation with interrogators.”
While final details are pending, unnamed sources have revealed how the new strategy would work. A detainee will assume the role of MOTHER in a home where three or more young children reside. Ideally, each home will also feature large, lazy hairy and/or old and ailing pets and/or husbands. The actual mother will relinquish her role for as long as necessary, usually not more than a week or two. The program provides the added bonus of restoring Mom’s sanity, freeing her up to have her hair done, eyebrows waxed, go to the gym, read the newspaper, think, and other activities she doesn't normally have time for.
Children are critical while the detainee is in residence. They are tasked with deploying various techniques designed to bring the resident detainee to the brink of insanity, at which point he will be more likely to cooperate with interrogators. These include:
• Leaving dirty socks strewn about the house
• Failing to pick up wet bath towels off of the wood floor
• "Hanging" coats in the shoe basket
• Removing shoes and leaving them next to, but not in, the shoe basket
• Tying the laces of said shoes into tight knots
• Hiding the remote control and/or the cordless phone handsets
• Leaving empty cracker and/or cereal boxes in the pantry
• Scattering unpopped popcorn kernels on the family room carpet
• Refusing to eat dinner, then crying "I’m hungry!" at bedtime
• Arguing over complete minutia for hours on end
• Shower and personal hygiene aversion
• Turning on all the lights and the TV, then leaving the room without turning anything off
Gates said the Obama administration has tapped as Homeland Mom Czar Meg McCormick, who was enthusiastic about the approach. “In recent trials, these methods took only a few days to drive the detainees to the brink of utter madness,” she said. “It’s a win-win for the nation and for our family.”
Detainee Ali Abdul Ahmed Ali-Aziz confirmed McCormick’s assertion. "Seriously? If I have to hang those goddamn coats up one more time, I'm gonna scream,” he said. "Come ON, guys, how many times do I have to tell you, THERE IS NO MAID HERE! Who the hell did you think was going to pick up all these candy wrappers and cracker crumbs?" His voice rising, he added, "All right already! That's enough! May a thousand virgins curse me in the next world, but I'll talk! I'll tell you where Bin Laden is hiding, just please, stop fighting over the f#$%ing computer!!"
Fathers in the homes of the task force mothers were skeptical. When asked to comment on the program, McCormick’s husband scratched his head and said, “Whoa! Wait a minute…so you’re telling me that the reason why she rolls her eyes and threatens to throw away all shoes not placed neatly in the shoe basket next to the door is...because it tortures her? Huh. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but if you say so…”
Gates hopes to deliver the panel’s final recommendations to the president’s desk before Christmas and implement placement of detainees into households before the Super Bowl.
Staff writer Curt McCormick contributed to this report.
