Soup Is Not A Finger Food: September 2011

I'M NOTHING IF NOT A MULTI-TASKER. In fact, though I've not been diagnosed, I'm sure I have just a touch of adult ADHD. Which is good for my work, because I'm a consultant with four five six clients, so I have to be able to toggle. And toggle I do! But lately there's a lot of other stuff going on aside from work, and it's a lot to handle. For starters,

THE AIR CONDITIONER STOPPED WORKING. In August. Fortunately, it was right at the end of the summer's worst heat, and we have been muddling along just fine with window fans ever since. As I write this, the guys are installing a new unit outside, along with new heat exchangers in the furnace, because those were also cracked and cracked heat exchangers can cause carbon monoxide leakage and carbon monoxide KILLS, so we couldn't allow that. So yeah, I'm really excited to be writing a giant check for air conditioning today that we probably won't use again until 2012.

But hey, that's part of the fun of owning a home, right? Of course it is. And so is DEALING WITH YOUR INTERMITTENT HOME PHONE SERVICE. Last week, it all stopped working. This past weekend, it seemed that I narrowed the problem to the main floor jacks - the downstairs ones worked - along with the demise of our only corded phone. I plugged in the wireless set downstairs, and for one day this weekend, it worked. Until this morning, when it started ringing all funny and when I answered it I would hear dial tone and lots of static. then later I picked it up to see if it had fixed itself was still doing it, and I heard someone else's conversation. I was immediately transported back to a simpler time, when both my grandmas had party lines at their houses. However, back then, you knew on whom you were eavesdropping. Today, I couldn't tell who it was. Totally random! Then a few minutes ago, I did receive and was able to answer a call. Still staticky, but the calls are going through. Baby steps.

It may be worth noting that our DSL, which is delivered through the very same phone line, has been working the entire time. Well, except for when it freezes and I have to reset the box. Which is daily. But normal!

In other baffling tech news, OUR ONE DIRECTV BOX IS GIVING THE REMOTE CONTROL THE SILENT TREATMENT. Apparently they've come to a stalemate, because the remote no longer works. Which is highly inconvenient, and I realize how whiny that sounds, but it's a COMPLICATED SETUP that can't be operated by anyone who was born before 1970 the buttons on the box. I have been postponing the call I know I need to place to DirecTV in order to resolve this issue.

Also from the "Stuff Our Parents Never Had To Worry About" desk, I have one kid whose cell phone recently "broke" (he said it "fell down the stairs at school" and I really do want to believe him), so I bought a replacement from a Very Nice eBay Seller, then had to fight with Verizon Wireless to have them waive the data plan requirement. Because the kid is 13 and in 8th grade and he does NOT need a data plan on his cell phone. And the other kid dropped his two month old iPhone, cracking the screen. Now he can pay $169 for a replacement through the insurance that costs $9 per month, or $200 for a replacement at the Apple store.

And as if all that weren't enough, we're trying to refinance. And it's dragging on because we started the process with one company, then switched to another. All the signing of forms and copying of documents makes me long for the days of the "no-doc" loans (Approval process: "Do you have a pulse? Are you a citizen? Here, please, take all of this money and then some more, too!). Suffice it to say, the process has changed quite a bit since our last trip around this block in 2006.

And I could go on! I could complain about our multi-theater campaign against invasive insects: Stink Bugs on one front, Camel Crickets on the other. I could talk about the shelf that randomly fell out of our bookcase two weeks ago, causing one of the shelf pins to disappear. We haven't replaced it yet. I could talk about the three trips it took to get one headlight replaced in the Suburban. (It wasn't just the bulb.) I could talk about earthquakes and floods and petulant teenagers and how my house is never completely clean.

But I won't. Because we're dealing with all of it, and we're doing just fine. We just take it as it comes, right? What other choice do we have? And yes, I do fantasize about hopping on the first flight to Bora Bora, but really, how long could I stay there before I started to miss the mundane routine of my life, my family, my little place on this Earth? Surely not more than a couple of years months weeks...

I DIDN'T USED TO BE A GERMOPHOBE. But there is nothing like going into the hospital at the height of flu season and giving birth to a completely vulnerable baby human to make you freak the F**K out about germs. I couldn't get outta there fast enough.

Mostly, I'm pretty oblivious relaxed about germs. I mean, isn't it said that we all eat a full pound of dirt before we die? I'm ok with that; I'd drive myself crazy trying to completely sanitize my children's environment. Plus, I don't much like the smell of antibacterial gel.

That's how I happily roll along, until it's a slow news day and the local TV station does an expose about how hotels don't wash the bedspreads for weeks at a time and bar glasses are splattered with traces of feces. Or, I'll hear about a hook-like device that assists in in exiting a public restroom without having to touch the door. Or, I'll see someone using a napkin to protect her hand from the pole in the Metro car. And then I am jolted into remembering that IT'S A GERMY WORLD OUT THERE, PEOPLE!

It's a wonder we don't all die from the germiness of it all.

Anyway, I was poking around over at The Oatmeal - and if you don't read it, you should, because it's hilarious! - and I took a handy quiz to see how many germs are on my cell phone. I'm sure its methodology is firmly rooted in the scientific method and thus correctly calculated this: